Heaven Must Be There

Riffing on the characters in the previous two monologues.

A cocktail reception. Bruce is in a stylish sports coat and tight jeans, Erica is wearing a boob tube, skinny jeans and FMBs, Larry is in a torn, stained t-shirt, torn jeans and smelly sneakers.

Larry: Well don’t you two look all lah-de-dah. What’re you in for?

Bruce: Pardon?

Larry: How’d ya die?

Erica: Fuck off, hobo.

Larry: Ooooh, who’s a prissy little miss then? With a mouth like that I’m taking money on ya old man.

Erica: Fuck off I said.

Larry: You fuck off, ya slag. With tits like that hanging out for all to see it’s more likely you were a whore anyway. Probably tried to diddle ya pimp did ya? Bet he taught you a lesson or two before you carked it.

Bruce: Hey, dude, that’s enough. You don’t talk to ladies like that.

Larry: Lady? Bah! If she’s a lady then the Pope’s a Catholic.

Erica: The Pope is Catholic you old fart. Now take your smelly rotting carcass and go sleep on somebody else’s park bench.

Bruce: Woah both of you. This is not the place for that kind of language. Take it outside if you must. Some of us want to enjoy ourselves. It has been such a long time.

Larry: Oh, look who’s all hoity toity now then.

Bruce: I am not hoity toity. I am just enjoying being able to feel and move again.

Larry: You know that’s not a real body right?

Bruce: (sighing) Yes, I know. On the one hand he giveth and the other he taketh away.

Erica: What are you guys talking about?

Larry: Well, miss genius. In case you missed it – You, are, dead.

Erica: Is that a threat.

Larry: There’s nothin’ left to threaten. You’re already dead. What else can I do to you. Except torment you till the end of time of course, an’ that I looking like a great way to spend my eternity, I can tell ya.

Erica: You’re fucking mad.

Bruce: No, he’s right. About being dead I mean. Didn’t you know? Couldn’t you tell?

Erica: You’re both fucking mad?

Larry: (laughing so hard he chokes) She…didn’t…know…she…was dead  (coughs trying to catch his breath).

Bruce: What’s the last thing you remember?

Erica: That cute barman giving me this divine cocktail.

Larry: Before that, idiot.

Erica: I swear, if you don’t lay off I am going to fucking smash you.

Larry: Yep, a real lady.

Bruce: Both of you please stop. You are ruining my release. I’m Bruce by the way.

Larry: I’m Larry mate. Friends call me Laz.

Bruce: Nice to meet you Larry. And you are?

Erica: Erica.

Bruce: Hello Erica. Lovely to meet you. Now think back. Before you were at this party where were you?