When I Grow Up

When I grow up I want to be a model. When I grow up I want to be an actor. No. A film star! At least that's what I thought when I was 10. Primary school is over and I'm not one of the cool kids. Now when I grow up I want to be a fighter pilot - a fashion designer. I know! When I grow up I want to be...The Prime Minister of Australia! The President of the world! The Emperor of the galaxy!!! It's 20 years later now. I have finished high school. I have had a job. I have lost a job. I have lost many jobs. Now when I grow up I want to be a home owner. When I grow up I want to be a parent. When I grow up I want my family to be proud. I want to wake up and not need a nip of scotch. I want to breathe without coughing up a lung. I want more than 50 cents in my bank account. When I grow up I want to... grow up...

The Art of Play Writing

It occurs to me that the art of play writing does not lie in the actual performance as is the popular modern view. The art of play writing lies in the plays ability to make people WANT to perform it.

Not The Jeep!

Angela’s kitchen. Tara sitting on edge of the table. Tara calls out the door.

TARA:                    I’m seeing him tonight.

Angela enters carrying some fresh cut flowers from the garden. She takes them to the sink, takes off her gloves and starts arranging them in a vase before finally putting them on the table.

ANGELA:              I only have instant, or there’s tea.

TARA:                    Did you hear me?

ANGELA:              I was trying not to.

TARA:                    I can’t drink tea in the morning.

ANGELA:              Instant it is then.

TARA:                    Do you have any wine?

ANGELA:              It’s 10:30!

TARA:                    God. You’re such a wowser. I want to tell you about Eddie!

ANGELA:              I don’t want to know.

TARA:                    Are you jealous?

ANGELA:              Of what?

TARA:                    It’s not like you’re getting any.

ANGELA:              I’m not interested in theft.

TARA:                    He’s not an object for me to steal. He has a mind of his own. Besides, he came on         to me.

ANGELA:              What about her?

TARA:                    What about her? Are you sure there’s no wine?

Tara opens fridge to look and grabs a bottle. Angela takes the bottle, puts it back and closes the fridge.

ANGELA:              Have you thought about the damage you will do if you continue with this?

TARA:                    I am not hurting her.

ANGELA:              I wish it was that simple.

TARA:                    It is. They aren’t really a couple any more.

ANGELA:              They still live together.

TARA:                    Yes, but it is just for the kids. They haven’t had sex for a year.

ANGELA:              Oh Tara.

Tara starts searching in Angela’s cupboards. Angela follows, closing the doors which Tara has left open.

TARA:                    Don’t ‘oh Tara’ me. You don’t know. You really only have instant coffee?

ANGELA:              I tell you what, let’s go to the cafe. We can have a real coffee and talk through this         with a bit of perspective.

A loud thud is heard followed by the tinkling of glass. Angela and Tara run to the door and Cinnamon runs in sobbing mightily.

CINNAMON:      It’s finished!

She throws herself into Tara’s arms.  Tara looks despairingly at Angela. Angela pries Cinnamon of and leads her to the table, sitting her down. Tara is looking out the door.

ANGELA:              Was that the Jeep?

CINNAMON:        It’s the Jeep.

TARA:                    It’s not the Jeep anymore…

Cinnamon bursts into another round of sobs. Angela panics and starts checking Cinnamon for injury.

ANGELA:              Oh my god. Are you hurt Cinnamon?

CINNAMON:         I want to die!

ANGELA:              I can’t see any blood. Where’s the pain?

TARA:                    In my neck.

Tara goes to the fridge and pulls out th bottle of wine and drinks from it as she joins them at the table.

CINNAMON:        Tara, you are the best!

Cinnamon grabs the bottle and starts skulling from it.

ANGELA:              Let me get glasses.

TARA:                    Don’t bother.

ANGELA:              But it’s not even 11…

TARA:                    We might need that instant coffee after all.

CINNAMON:        (Hiccuping) It’s destroyed!

ANGELA:              The Jeep?

TARA:                    I’m sure it’s just a ding.

CINNAMON:        My life!

ANGELA:              You have insurance. 

TARA:                    I don’t think she’s talking about the car.

CINNAMON:         Eddie’s leaving me!

Tara grabs the bottle and drinks.

ANGELA:              Oh…

CINNAMON:        Tara, I’m going to be just like you from now on. A strong, independent woman            who doesn’t need a man in her life.

ANGELA:              I think Tara’s been rather envious of your life Cin.

CINNAMON:        Nonsense. Look at her standing, er, sitting there on her own two..feet... She’s not          in copayments for a Jeep with anyone!

Angela and Tara look at each other. There is a bashing at the door.

EDDIE:                   Cinnamon, I know you’re in there.  I see the Jeep.

CINNAMON:         Oh god, the Jeep!

EDDIE:                   Cinny I don’t care about the Jeep. Are you okay? Are you hurt? Angela, let me             in!

Tara goes over and opens the door. Eddie sees Cinnamon and rushes to her. Cinnamon starts bawling

again.

EDDIE:                   Cinny, darling! Are you hurt? Let’s get you to the hospital.

ANGELA:              Relax Eddie. She’s fine. She’s just upset.

EDDIE:                   Thank god! I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you Cin. You are the love             of my life/

TARA:                    Hello Eddie.

Eddie notices Tara for the first time and there is an uncomfortable silence where only the sound of

Cinnamon’s hiccupping recovery from crying is heard.

EDDIE:                   Tara.

TARA:                    Eddie.

Angela grabs the wine from the table and takes a swig.

ANGELA:              Well this is fun.

EDDIE:                   So you’re okay Cin?

TARA:                    No Eddie. She’s hurt.

EDDIE:                   Stay out of this.

TARA:                    I am this.

ANGELA:              Tara, don’t.

CINNAMON:        Tara, it’s okay. It’s not your problem.

TARA:                    Is it my problem Eddie?

EDDIE:                   It’s your fault.

ANGELA:              (To Tara) I warned you.

Angela skulls some of the wine.

CINNAMON:         It’s my fault. I am a terrible wife./

EDDIE:                   /You are the best wife in the world.

TARA:                    / You are a good wife. He is a lousy husband.

CINNAMON:         Eddie didn’t do anything wrong. I drove him to it.

ANGELA:              Cinnamon Davies that is not true and you know it. You are an amazing wife and           mother. He is the louse.

EDDIE:                   You don’t know what you’re talking about.

ANGELA:              I know everything.

EDDIE:                   (To Tara) You just couldn’t wait to break up my marriage, could you?

ANGELA:              Don’t blame Tara because you cheated on your wife.

CINNAMON:         What?

ANGELA:              You didn’t know?

TARA:                    Isn’t that what this is all about?

CINNAMON:          How do you know he’s cheating?

EDDIE:                   It’s a game we play.

CINNAMON:          I get upset about some pretend problem, he comforts me and we have great make          up sex.

TARA:                    No sex tonight I bet.

Tara grabs the wine and finishes what is in the bottle.

CINNAMON:         Angela, how do you know Eddie is cheating on me?

ANGELA:              You told me?

CINNAMON:          I said he was leaving me.

Tara strides to Cinnamon, stands her up and stares into her eyes.

TARA:                    Enough of this. Cinnamon, Eddie is cheating on you. I know this because he is             having an affair with me. He told me he didn’t love you any more and that you             and he were over.

Cinnamon stands motionless for a moment and Angela slowly pulls Tara away, leading her to the

door.

ANGELA:              I think it is time for us to get that coffee now. Go!

Angela pushes Tara out the door and follows. Cinnamon comes out of her trance.

EDDIE:                   Cinny, love. It was all her fault. She seduced me. What kind of friend would                 seduce her best friend’s husband, hey?

CINNAMON:         What kind of husband would sleep with her wife’s friend?

EDDIE:                   She came on to me!

CINNAMON:         You told her you don’t love me anymore?

EDDIE:                   Lies! She’s lying?

CINNAMON:         Get out. I want you out of the house before I get home.

EDDIE:                   Cinny, honey, we can work through this. You know how much I love you.

CINNAMON:          How long?

EDDIE:                   Not long.

CINNAMON:         You wanted to get caught. That’s why you chose my friend.

EDDIE:                   Nonsense.

CINNAMON:         It could have been anyone in the world.

EDDIE:                   I’m sorry.

CINNAMON:         Why didn’t you tell me you were unhappy?

EDDIE:                   I’m not. You’re perfect.

CINNAMON:         So why do you need Tara?

EDDIE:                   In a way you’re too perfect. I never feel like I can meet your standards.

CINNAMON:         It’s my fault?

EDDIE:                   In a way, yes!

CINNAMON:         I need you to leave now.

EDDIE:                   You don’t mean that.

CINNAMON:         I will get the divorce started.

EDDIE:                   But the kids!

CINNAMON:         It is better for them to not be around someone with your low values.

EDDIE:                   I’ll fight it. We were meant to be together.

CINNAMON:         GET OUT!

EDDIE:                   Okay, I’m leaving. We can talk once you’ve calmed down and are seeing reason.

He backs out the door warily. She follows, calling out after him.

CINNAMON:        My lawyer will be in touch. Oh, and I’m keeping the Jeep!

Black out.

EDDIE:                   Noooooooo….

Not Knowing

Riffing on the last post...

1: How can you just walk away not knowing?

2: How can you stay?

1: I’m scared of the dark.

2: Find the light.

1: I’m looking.

2: You’re looking in the wrong place

1: You don’t know that. I think it is you who is afraid.

2: Afraid of what?

1: Exactly.

2: Exactly what is it you think I am afraid of?

1: You’re afraid of answers.

2: I’m not asking any questions.

1: Why not?

2: I have no interest in the answer.

1: Perhaps that is why you need to know.

2: No.

1: Stay. You need to.

2: I don’t need to know anymore.

1: You don’t know enough.

2: I am happy this way.

1: You aren’t happy. Niether am I. We both need this.

2: You need this. Not me.

1: We need this.

The Goat

An elephant and a horse come across a goat lying down.

 

E: Is it dead?

H: It’s not moving.

E: I think it’s dead.

H: Smell it.

E: You smell it.

H: Well… touch it. Give it a nudge, see if it moves.

E: What if it’s alive?

H: What if it is?

E: It might attack me.

H: It might.

E: You nudge it then.

H: Alright. I will. Ready?

E: Well, go on then. We don’t have all day.

H: If you’re in that much of a bloody rush you do it.

E: No, no. It’s fine. Whenever you’re ready.

H: Where should I do it.

E: It doesn’t matter, it’s dead.

H: If it isn’t it will attack me.

E: Then you run.

H: What will you do?

E: It’s dead. I won’t have to do anything.

H: If you’re that sure it’s dead why are we wasting our time.

E: I just wanna be sure.

H: I’ve had enough. I am leaving.

E: Don’t you wanna know?

H: No, actually. I don’t give a shit.

E: Then leave.

H: I’m going.

E: But you haven’t done it.

H: I don’t want to do it and I don’t care.

E: Wait! Please.

H: Why should I?

E: I need to know.

H: Why?

E: How can you just walk away not knowing?

H: If it really is dead, I don’t want to hang around.

E: If it’s dead it can’t hurt you.

H: No, but whatever killed it might still be lurking.

E: So you’re afraid.

H: If you’re not, you’re an idiot.

E: What are you afraid of?

H: Dying.

E: Leaving won’t prevent that.

Popocrisy - an adaptation idea for Pirandello's Enrico IV

CAST:

Three Cardinals:

·         Lajolo

·         Amato

·         Bagnasco

Pope Francis

Two adolescent boys

ACT 1

The Pope’s throne room in the Vatican City. Two large video screens are on either side of the throne (in portrait). On one screen we see proceedings from the Australian Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse. On the other screen we see male child pornography.

Two boys emerge from behind the throne, naked but painted head to toe in gold, They grab spears and then take up statue poses – one next to the throne and one at the foot. The three cardinals enter from the right with Pope Francis who is newly confirmed as Pope and is being inducted to Vatican life.

Lajolo: (to Francis). And this is the throne room!

Amato: Of the Pope!

Bagnasco:  Or, if you prefer, Satan’s Throne!

Lajolo: As we have mentioned, this is where we bow, like this.

Bagnasco: In Italy!

Amato: In Rome!

Lajolo: In the Holy See!

Boy 1: (lips barely moving) Psst! Psst!

Amato:  What?

Boy 1: (whispering) Are they coming or not?

Bagnasco: No, no. Relax: make yourself comfortable.

Boy 2: (sighing and flopping onto the steps) Jesus Christ, you could have told us!

Boy 1: Do you have a light?

Amato produces a lighter and he and the boys sit on the steps to the throne smoking.

Francis: (he looks around the room in) Excuse me... this room... those boys... what is that court case? I do not recognise any of it: is this Hell?

The cardinals burst out laughing.

Lajolo:  Is this Hell, he asks!

Bagnasco:  He thinks this is Hell!

Amato: That, my friend, is happening right now in Australia!

Bagnasco: A grand and tragic cardinal faces the masses!

Lajolo: In the antipodes! Every day we watch the terrible war waging between church and state!

Bagnasco: The Government against The Cardinal!

Amato: Atheists against Catholics!

Lajolo: The Crown versus the Diocese!

Bagnasco: The war against religious exemption!

Amato: All the rebels!

Lajolo: The Pope against his children themselves!

Francis: (covering his head with his hands) I get it! I get it! I knew something wasn’t right!

Amato: (pointing to the pornography screen) Do you know why we show this here?

Bagnasco: We are safe behind the walls of the Vatican!

Lajolo: Here is the story: it is the year 1074 and Pope Gregory VII declares that anyone who wishes to be ordained must first pledge celibacy. Priests must escape from the clutches of their wives! We move on to 1095 and Pope Urban II has the priests wives sold into slavery and the children abandoned.

Francis: Oh god, this is a mess!

Bagnasco: Finally! He thought it was the depths of Hell before!

Francis: All my piety...

Lajolo: My dear friend, you have been on the wrong page. You are so naive!

Francis: (getting angry) You could have told me, for god’s sake! I could have prepared for this!

Amato: I’m sorry, but haven’t you run your own diocese?

Francis: I know, but I lived amongst the people!

Lajolo: It’s like this... They figured out we just move the priests around...

Francis: Why didn’t you tell me...?

Amato: Maybe we thought you already knew!

Lajolo: We didn’t have an explanation. We thought the sanctity of the Church would be enough. But then Australians started shouting so as usual we promoted the Arch Bishop and brought him here... Benedict was driven out of office by peer pressure.

Francis: (with his head in his hands) I don’t know anything about this!

Bagnasco: Hey, it’s cool bro!

Amato: Relax.

Francis: You too? Are you on their side too?

Amato: All the cardinals looked each other in the eyes and asked: Who will bring respectability?

Bagnasco: And here we have you, Francis, my friend!

Lajolo: You are a role model!

Francis: (rebelling) Ah, but I don’t want it! Thank you very much! I am leaving! I am gone!

Amato: (he and Bagnasco are holding back laughter) No, calm down, calm down!

Bagnasco: Maybe you won’t have to do anything!

Lajolo: If it is any comfort, we don’t even know what we are doing ourselves,

Bagnasco: We call each other cardinals out of tradition. But who are we? It is a role! You have a character too: Pope. Benedict was just like the old Popes! He was magnificent!

Amato: I disagree, he didn’t listen.

Lajolo: He had majesty: the rest of us guided and prompted him. We are playing these subordinate characters because despite democracy, the people like to see authority and submissives.

Bagnasco:  That is us.

Lajolo: We are humble vassals; devoted; some of us a little less scripture bound...

Francis: Do I have to be less scripture bound too?

Amato: Very! Like us!

Bagnasco: It’s not easy, you know?

Lajolo: It’s a shame really! It would help if we could use the massive power of the advertising industry. Bah! Us cardinals, we have no help, nothing to give our appearances truthfulness. Do you see what I am saying? Form and content! We are playing moral leaders without scripts. It is easy for the lay person because they are not playing a part. This really is their life. They really believe all this stuff. The rest of us though, here we are in these ornate surroundings...to do what? Nothing... We just move priests around waiting for someone to catch on and then we have to say a few words.

Amato: No, my friend! You’re wrong! I disagree! We do more than that! There is big trouble when Heads of State speak and we don’t respond correctly every time!

Lajolo: I know, I know, you are right!

Francis: And you said nothing! How am I supposed to answer them when I have prepared for a life of piety rather than that of hypocrisy?

Lajolo, Bagnasco, Amato laugh.

Amato: You need to catch up fast, now!

Bagnasco:  Do it now! We will help you.

Amato: We have heaps of ideas. They will at least get you started.

Bagnasco: You can try out just about anything....

Amato: Look! (turns him around to look at the screen with pornography) For example, why not watch this?

Francis: What? I am sorry, but this doesn’t look right.

Amato: There is a reason for that. We don’t have this on when lay people are here. There are two channels. One is news and this one only we know about.

Lajolo: That would certainly be embarrassing if it were showing here permanently.

Francis: Why do we have it at all then?

Lajolo: They are images. Images which are like...like a mirror perhaps? This one is so we can indulge our weaknesses in private, which means we won’t act on them in real life. This is important. You don’t agree? If they put you in front of a camera, would you not see us as alive, today, dressed in odd costumes? Playing a scene? Well, it is as if there are two mirrors which bring those images to life, here in the midst of a fantasy – a world that is all too real. The longer you stay here, the more you will understand.

Francis: I don’t want to go crazy here!

Amato: Don’t be silly! You will have fun.

Francis: How did you all become so scurrilous?

Lajolo: Mate, you can’t go through a thousand years of celibacy without getting a little antsy.

Amato: Let’s go, let’s go! You will get it. It won’t take you long.

Bagnasco: You too shall become adept at subterfuge and hypocrisy!

Francis: Fuck it, let’s get started right now! Just give me the main points.

Amato: Let’s do this! A little bit of this, a little bit of that...

Lajolo: We shall bind you with the threads of knowledge which will make you the most suitable and duteous of figure heads. Let’s go, let’s go!

Lajolo leads him away.

Francis: (stopping to look at the court case) Wait! You haven’t told me what our position is on this.

Amato: No.

Bagnasco: The Australians. They want a fall guy to blame for their complicit ignorance.

Lajolo: This is our most ferocious enemy, the righteousness of the wilfully blind.

Francis: Oh, I get it, they represent the righteous anger of the innocent...

 Lajolo: Only down under!

Bagnasco: Pope Gregory VII...

Amato: Our architect! Let’s go, Let’s go!

Henry 4

Here is my attempt at translating the opening scene of Pirandello's Enrico IV.

CAST:

The Baron

The Doctor

The four Actors:

·         Landolfo (lolo)

·         Arialdo (Franco)

·         Ordulfo (Momo)

·         Bertoldo (Fino)

Two Valets

A secluded villa in Umbria.

ACT 1

The living room has been decorated to look like the throne room of Henry 4 in the imperial house of Goslar. Two large modern portraits stand out amidst the antique furnishing. They are placed on a plinth which runs the length of the back wall . The portraits sit either side of the throne. The portraits are of a young man and lady in carnival costumes. One is Henry 4 and the other is Matilde of Toscany. There are doors on the far right and left.

The two valets suddenly emerge from behind the paintings, grab spears and then take up statue poses – one next to the throne and one at the foot. The four actors enter from the right. They are playing the role of vassals in the court of Henry 4. They wear the costumes of 11^th century German knights. Finally Bertoldo (Fino), is being initiated into his role. His three companions are enjoying the process. The scene is played with whimsical liveliness.

Landolfo: (to Bertoldo). And this is the throne room!

Arialdo: Of Goslar!

Ordulfo:  Or, if you prefer, the Hartz Castle!

Landolfo: As we have mentioned, this is where we bow, like this.

Ordulfo: In Saxony!

Arialdo: In Lombardy!

Landolfo: On the Rhine!

Valet 1: (lips barely moving) Psst! Psst!

Arialdo:  What?

Valet 1: (whispering) Is he coming or not?

Ordulfo: No, no. Relax: make yourself comfortable.

Valet 2: (sighing and flouncing back to the plinth) Jesus Christ, you could have told us!

Valet 1: Do you have a light?

Landolofo: You can’t smoke a pipe in here!

Valet 1: (as Arialdo lights a match) I smoke cigarettes.

Gets up and sits with him on the plinth, smoking.

Bertoldo: (he looks around the room in amazement and then looks at the costumes worn by the others)  Excuse me... this room... those clothes... who was Henry 4? I do not recognise any of it: is this France?

The other three actors burst out laughing.

Landolfo:  Is this France, he asks!

Ordulfo:  He thinks this is France!

Arialdo: Henry 4 is German, my friend! Of the Salii dynasty!

Ordulfo: A grand and tragic emperor!

Landolfo: From Canossa! Every day we honour the terrible war between church and state!

Ordulfo: The Emperor against The Pope!

Arialdo: Antipapists against Papists!

Landolfo: The Crown versus the people!

Ordulfo: The war against Saxony!

Arialdo: All the rebels!

Landolfo: The Emperor against his children themselves!

Bertoldo: (covering his head with his hands) I get it! I get it! I knew these weren’t the clothes of the 15^th century!

Arialdo: (pointing to the portraits) But these are 15^th century!

Ordulfo: We are between the 10^th and 11^th century!

Landolfo: Here is the story: it is 25^th January, 1071 and we are on our way to Canossa...

Bertoldo: Oh god, this is a mess!

Ordolfo: Already! He thought it was the French Court!

Bertoldo: All my research...

Landolfo: My dear friend, this is four hundred years earlier.  You are so stupid!

Bertoldo: (getting angry) You could have told me he was the German and not Henry 4 of France, for god’s sake! For the fifteen days I prepared. I pored over so many books!

Arialdo: I’m sorry, but didn’t you know that poor Tito was Adalbert of Bremen?

Bertoldo: No! I knew I blow a trumpet!

Landolfo: It’s like this... Tito, the Marquis of Nillo, died...

Bertoldo: He was the Marquis! What did he want to tell me...?

Arialdo: Maybe he thought you already knew!

Landolfo: He didn’t have a replacement. He thought the three of us remaining would be enough. But then Henry started shouting and Adalbert ran away (because of poor Tito, you understand? He didn’t really die, but as Bishop Adalbert he was driven out by the rival Bishops of Cologne and Mainz).

Bertoldo: (with his head in his hands) I don’t know anything about this story!

Ordulfo: Hey, it’s cool bro!

Arialdo: Relax.

Bertoldo: You too? Are you on their side too?

Ordulfo: Bertoldo!

Bertoldo: But who is Bertoldo? Why Bertoldo?

Landolofo: Why did Adalbert reject me? I wanted to play Bertoldo! I wanted Bertoldo! But then Henry started screaming.

Arialdo: All three of us looked him in the eyes and asked: Who will play Bertoldo?

Ordulfo: And here we have Bertoldo, my friend!

Landolfo: You are a handsome man!

Bertoldo: (rebelling) Ah, but I don’t want it! Thank you very much! I am leaving! I am gone!

Arialdo: (he and Ordulfo are holding back laughter) No, calm down, calm down!

Ordulfo: Maybe you don’t have to be Bertoldo!

Landolfo: If it is any comfort, we don’t even know who we are. Arialdo, Ordulfo, myself,

Landolfo...we have make up these names. We call each other this out of habit. But who are we? They are characters! You have a character too: Bertoldo. The only one of us who had a real part was Tito, who got to play the role of the Bishop of Brema. He was just like a real Bishop! Tito was magnificent!

Arialdo: I disagree, he didn’t do any research.

Landolfo: He had majesty: the rest of us guided and prompted him. We are playing these ordinary characters because history tells us that Henry 4 was hated by the aristocracy for being surrounded by young commoners.

Ordulfo:  That is us.

Landolfo: We are minor vassals; devoted; some of us are decadent, cheerful...

Bertoldo: Do I have to be cheerful too?

Arialdo: Very! Like us!

Ordulfo: It’s not easy, you know?

Landolfo: It’s a shame really! It would help if we could use the grand costumes and props that you find in a real theatre. The clothes from other tragedies to tell the real story of Henry 4. Bah! Us four, and those two bums who are stuck to the throne, we have no help, nothing to give our scenes truthfulness. Do you see what I am saying? Form and content! We are playing consorts to Henry without parts. It is easy for the others because they are not playing a part. This really is their life. They really are scheming and doing things behind his back. The rest of us though, here we are in these ornate surroundings...to do what? Nothing... We are just puppets waiting for someone to grab us and move us here and there and have us say a few words.

Arialdo: No, my friend! You’re wrong! I disagree! We do more than that! There is big trouble if Henry speaks and we don’t respond correctly every time!

Landolfo: I know, I know, you are right!

Bertoldo: And you said nothing! How am I supposed to answer him when I have prepared for Henry 4 of France, not Henry IV of Germany?

Landolfo, Ordulfo, Arialdo laugh.

Arialdo: You need to fix this now, now!

Ordulfo:  Do it now! We will help you.

Arialdo: We have heaps of books. They will at least get you started.

Ordulfo: You can find out just about anything....

Arialdo: Look! (turns him around to look at the portrait of Matilda) For example, who is she?

Bertoldo: Her? I am sorry, but this doesn’t look right: it is a very modern painting amongst all of these antiques.

Arialdo: There is a reason for that. They weren’t there before. There are two recesses behind them to place statues which have been sculpted according to the style of the era. We are still waiting for them so in the meantime, the pictures are covering the empty niches.

Landolfo: That would certainly be a false note if they really were paintings.

Bertoldo: What are they then, if they’re not paintings?

Landolfo: I am messing with you! But, actually, I think I am right. They are images. Images which are like...like a mirror perhaps? This one is him, lifelike, in this throne room, which is also supposed to be of the era. You don’t agree? If they put you in front of a mirror, would you not see us as alive, today, dressed in ancient costumes? Well, it is as if there are two mirrors which bring those images to life, here in the midst of a fantasy – a world that is all too real. The longer you stay here, the more you will understand.

Bertoldo: I don’t want to go crazy here!

Arialdo: Don’t be silly! You will have fun.

Bertoldo: How did you all become so wise?

Landolfo: Mate, you can’t go back through eight hundred years of history without taking along a little experience.

Arialdo: Let’s go, let’s go! You will get it. It won’t take you long.

Ordulfo: You too shall become wise in this school!

Bertoldo: Fuck it, let’s get started right now! Just give me the main points.

Arialdo: Let’s do this! A little bit of this, a little bit of that...

Landolfo: We shall bind you with the threads of knowledge which will make you the most suitable and duteous of puppets. Let’s go, let’s go!

Landolfo leads him away.

Bertoldo: (stopping to look at the portraits) Wait! You haven’t told me who she is! Is that the Emperor’s wife?

Arialdo: No. His real wife was Empress Bertha of Susa, sister to Amadeus II of Savoy.

Ordulfo: The Emperor wants to be young like us. He can’t stand it and is in denial.

Landolfo: This is his most ferocious enemy, Matilda, the Marchioness of Tuscany.

Bertoldo: Oh, I get it, she supported the Pope...

 Landolfo: Only at Canossa!

Ordulfo: Pope Gregory VII

Arialdo: Our bogeyman! Let’s go, Let’s go!